i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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