grandma shit on top of the toilet
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
