i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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