Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
