i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
