Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Randomize
