yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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