Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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