9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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