So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
