shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
