shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
