you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
