why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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