I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
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