i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
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you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
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You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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