How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You smell like stripper and shame
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
