Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
