Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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