a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
