how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
