i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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