I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
