There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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