can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
