Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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