I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
