just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
