At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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