Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
