life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
