ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
