I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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