The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
