Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
