why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
