hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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