There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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