You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Boobs speak an international language.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We need to get me chipped asap
You ruined the universe
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
