Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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