I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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