The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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