I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
