Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
