I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
