Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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