pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
