If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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