Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
