the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
