apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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