before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
