Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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