i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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