I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
