In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
