I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
