I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
