How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I think I sprained my soul last night
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I yelled at your uterus for you.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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