i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Can you bring me the toilet please
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
