Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
